UnMarioWiki:Teh Shrug/Old crap/Issue 007

Ronald Returns From Space
Recently, well-known fast food spokesman Ronald McDonald returned from outer space. He had traveled out since the Power Stars, the power source for the McDonald's Headquarters, had been stolen and scattered across space by The King and Colonel Sanders. Since the giant Burger King that The King was piloting exploded, the fate of The King and Colonel Sanders is unknown.

Squdala Man Declares War
Recently, Squadala Man, of the Squadala Empire, has annouced intentions to attack and take over West Hyrule. The Squadala Empire has already taken over East Hyrule. The King has declared a state of war, and has stated he will not surrender to the Empire.

Bush Out Of Office
Recently, George W. Bush was removed from office as the president of the United Provinces of America. He was defeated in the election by Mr. Game & Watch, who entered the race in the guise of Barack Obama. Bush pledged to return to office by any means needed.

Hyperman Battles Rival; City In Ruins
Recently, Hyperman fought an epic battle with an enemy of his, Jack of Spades. Jack was robbing the Third National Bank when Hyperman confronted him. The two had a major battle that caused a lot of damage. When the battle ended, Jack was sent to prison and the money recovered. However, since Yankeetropolis was left in ruins by the fight, the money will go to the city's rebuilding.

Lawsuit Filed
Squadala Cable was recently sued for the shows Link Meets World and Everybody Loves Morshu. The producers of Toad Meets World and Everybody Loves Bowser claim that those shows are simply ripoffs of their own shows. The lawsuit has yet to go to court.

Long-Running Show Finishes
The popular show Everybody Loves Bowser has recently aired the finale. With the completion of the show, DVD collections are in the works, however we do not know when they will be released. That is because before our replacement reporter could say that, he too was killed. Also, there are talks of a movie. However, our reporter in Hollyforest was also killed before he finished his report.

Ping Pong
In the heated final game of UnWorld Series Ping Pong, Luigi was finally defeated by the rising rookie McGoomscotty. When asked the secret behind his victory, McGoomscotty replied "I have no arms."

Gessaaa'oaoaoarrRkZball
Gessaaa'oaoaoarrRkZball was invented by a resourceful young chap earlier this day-- the unique sport involves hitting a Gessaaa'oaoaoarrRkZ with a Khhhhhhj'K in hopes of evading nearby nNnnn'Jkzes to enter the Kjskafjkdjsl'RRrrrkzjzkdFfjz. The milestone first game ever was canceled, however, due to a lack of Khhhhhhj'Ks.

Tabletop Role-Playing Games
...in no way constitute a sport or vaguely related competitive activity, and are considered repugnant even by even the most hardcore of nerds.

Food
Welcome to another exciting issue of TEH SHRUG FOOD! I mean, srsly, we only do this like once every six months. And since PN's still off writing most of the paper and maintaining most of the entire website, I, YellowYoshi "YellowyOshi398" 398 will be your host again.

Volvic Reviiiiive
Easily found in the UK and within active volcanoes. Although the feeling of hydration sometimes takes a few minutes to kick in, you're guaranteed to feel ready to eat someone's parents in no time.

10/10


 * FUN AND USELESS FACT: A volcanic eruption is accountable for Volvic's unique mineral content. I'm splanchin' serious.

CAKES
Can be easily procured from That Chef Guy who I'm pretty sure is named George, but we have articles for way too many Georges here. Tastes quite good when served properly, but tends to burn.

7/10

Uctions
An elmullet classic. When you pinch them, they can defeat Ganon. What can I say, it's hard to find stuff from humorous video remixes that hasn't already been used.

9.8/10

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood
Available at Walmart and other such anywheres. May very well be the only good Sonic game in about, say, fifteen years, what with the return/actual presence of SWATbots. Not that I've ever played it or touched it or seen it or anything, but I bet it's delicious.

8/10

Obituraries

 * Recently, the General of the Green Army Men exploded, after he ate Mentos and drank Pepsi at the same time.
 * Recently, Ryuk died. He was eaten by Baby Yoshi.
 * Recently, Master Hand died. He had been accidently killed by New Mario.
 * Recently, Glad Dry Bones died, due to a piano falling on him.

Mario Foods Buyout
Recently, Mario Foods Inc. was bought out by its rival, Luigi Foods Inc. Mario Foods had been in a financial collapse since the Shroom Steaks were pulled from shelves, and recently filed for bankruptcy, after which it was taken over.

Volvic Stock Revive
Recently, stock in the company Volvic Revive has started to recover. After the destruction of several factories by Link and the resulting shutdown of a large part of the company, stock in it plunged. However, recent trends seem to indicate an increase in the stock's value.

Nintendo, Sony Stock Price Increase
The value of stock in both Nintendo and Sony has increased in recent times due to annoucements by the companies. Nintendo's stock has increased, due to the annoucement of the Nintendo SDj. Sony's stock has also increased, due to annoucing the fourth game of the Plastic Gear series.

Dictator's Notes
Well, it's another fine issue of Teh Shrug! This time, the issue only took us three months, which is pretty good time for us. If you look at the footer, you will notice that the links have been changed. First off, a new link has been added: Issue Progress. During Shrug releases, this link will tell you how far each section is. Secondly, Teh Shrug will never have organized writers. So we have removed the link to Sign Up. Anyhow, get ready for the next issue, sometime in the future.

Until next time, I'm your overlord, Purple Ninjakoopa.

Ads

 * Buy Flantasy Flan... buy Flantasy Flan... buy Flantasy Flan... buy Flantasy Flan...


 * Join the Men in the Suits. We offer many incitives - life insurance, training, and several things that cannot be told here.


 * Help with planning Teh Shrug. The updates are still random, and we need help.


 * I want You to join the Army.