Mario FINALLY Asplodes!!

Characters

 * Bowser
 * Mr. Game & Watch
 * Mario
 * Wawabowser
 * New Luigi
 * New Mario

Scene 1
New Mario and New Luigi are flying in their UFO, chasing after Mario and Wawabowser, who are in their go-kart, as well as Bowser and Mr. Game & Watch, who are in Cario. The go-kart and Cario are neck-and-neck, with Cario just barely pulling ahead.

NEW MARIO: OK, our two competitors are square in my sights!

NEW LUIGI: What are you gonna do? Blast them?

NEW MARIO: Nah, I need something more subtle. I don't want to be a blatant cheater.

NEW LUIGI: Right. That way, you'd be disqualified from the race.

New Luigi notices the cupcake in New Mario's hand.

NEW LUIGI: Wait, what's the cupcake for?

NEW MARIO: Watch.

New Mario takes a monstrous chomp out of the cupcake, leaving only half of it intact. Up ahead, Mario's go-kart begins to swerve wildly as Wawabowser begins to thrash around in his seat.

NEW MARIO: Hello. Can you hear me?

NEW LUIGI: Uh...are you talking to me?

New Mario gives New Luigi a light shove and continues his sentence.

NEW MARIO: I have you in my power. Don't worry, you're still in control. Now, would you kindly reach over and ignite that plumber friend of yours?...It will make your pain subside.

NEW LUIGI: Who--what--are you talking about Mario?

New Mario swallows visibly and grins.

NEW MARIO: OK, look and see. Wawabowser is finally ours!

Scene 2
Cut to Mario's go-kart, where Wawabowser has suddenly clutched his chest in pain.

WAWABOWSER: Hrk--ah, goddamn it! Ow! Freakin'--ow!

MARIO: What? Whaaat?! What is it, you ninnymuffin? Can't you see I'm trying to concentrate on this race?

WAWABOWSER: S--sorry, it's like...it's like someone took a bite out of me.

MARIO: What do you mean? Do you have heart problems? Do I need to take you to the hospital? Now, of all times...

WAWABOWSER: No! It's just...you know how one of the ingredients inside me is a cupcake?

MARIO: Yeah...why was that on the list, anyway?

Wawabowser begins to thrash around painfully.

WAWABOWSER: Ah, argh, OWIEWOWIEZOWIE! There's a voice! A freakin' voice is talking to me, and it hurts like...

New Mario's voice resonates within Wawabowser's body, emanating from the cupcake inside him. Mario does not notice, as the voice is in Wawabowser's head.

NEW MARIO: Hello. Can you hear me?

WAWABOWSER: Ow! What the--? Stop that!

NEW MARIO: I have you in my power. Don't worry, you're still in control. Now, would you kindly reach over and ignite that plumber friend of yours?

WAWABOWSER: What?! Why...why should I?

NEW MARIO: It will make your pain subside.

WAWABOWSER: F--fine...

MARIO: Wawabowser, what's going on?

While this is happening, Cario drives next to Mario's go-kart and just barely pulls ahead of it. It then swerves to the right, cutting Mario and Wawabowser off.

WAWABOWSER: He told me to.

MARIO: Eh?

WAWABOWSER: I'm sorry...but he told me to.

Wawabowser breathes fire in Mario's face, causing him to claw at his burning face and fall out of the car. There is a smoky explosion as Mario lands in the dust behind the traveling go-kart, which has begun to slow down.

WAWABOWSER: Wait...wh--why did you just fall out of the car? We've got a race to win! Also, I didn't know my flames could deal explosive damage to people...

By now, Cario is far ahead of the now-stationary go-kart and the UFO is pulling up behind it.

Scene 3
Inside the UFO, New Mario and New Luigi are rolling on the floor with raucous laughter.

NEW LUIGI: HAW HAW HAW...ohh, man, that was funny...heh heh...

NEW MARIO: Heh...I know, right? I mean, did you see that guy? He was just sitting in the car, and then...and then..."Argblargblargflfl!!!"

The two plumbers begin to laugh even harder. The UFO comes to a halt above Wawabowser's head.

WAWABOWSER: What the--aliens?!

NEW LUIGI: HAW! He doesn't even realize...he thinks we're...

NEW MARIO: Aliens, yeah. Now, watch. Here's the kicker.

New Mario shoves the rest of the cupcake into his mouth, and Wawabowser's facial muscles all slacken simultaneously. His jaw drops open and his facial expression becomes completely blank.

NEW MARIO: OK, now watch.

New Mario jogs in place, and Wawabowser does the same. As New Mario accelerates, Wawabowser accelerates as well.

NEW LUIGI: Wow! How fast can you do that?

NEW MARIO: I don't know. Theoretically, it should be infinite, but he can only run as fast as I can run.

NEW LUIGI: Well, we can still catch up to Bowser and that other guy if you do this...

New Luigi leans on the control panel of the UFO, straightens out his arms, and wiggles his legs insanely in midair.

NEW MARIO: Oh, right! We were racing! Whoops...

New Mario copies New Luigi's motion, and Wawabowser begins to sprint at an inhuman pace.

WAWABOWSER: Ahh! Ahh! How am I doing that?

NEW MARIO: New Luigi, take the wheel! I'm gonna keep jogging!

New Luigi grabs the steering wheel protruding from the control panel and tilts it forward, like the throttle on an airplane. The UFO picks up speed.

NEW MARIO: Wheeeee! We'll be there in no time!

The End

Trivia
New Mario's "Would you kindly" line in Scene 1 came from a real-life game called Bioshock.