Mario

	Mario
Real Name:	Mario Fratelli
Birth:	1981
Age:	43
Health:	Perfectly healthy, shrinks when injured
Family and relatives:	Luigi, Dr. Mario, Mario's Head
Impostor(s)	Wario, Cario, Kilogramio, Smallio, Lario, Bario, Hitario, Dry Mario, Mummio, Malleo, Tario, Captain Lou Albano, Xario Dic cartoon Mario, New Mario, New New Mario, and so on.... (you see he has lots!)
Death:	Alot

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called "experts" at MarioWiki have a real article on Mario.

“Let's A Go!”
—Mario

“It's-A Me, Mario!”
—Mario

Mario is one of the most popular and most obscure videogame characters ever (though, as the downfall shrunk, Mario soon became a somewhat successful character). He is currently known by 47 billon people, out of which 0.9 play his games

Lol — Mario's Normal Size, Standard Mario

Description

Mario is the fat, greasy, wop mascot for Nintendo, and has starred in roughly 90%of their games due to Shigeru Miyamoto's insatiable shroom fetish. Mario is known throughout the world for his habit of breaking blocks, collecting coins, throwing fire balls, getting high off shrooms, getting pwned by turtles and Goombas.

Super Mario Brothers are a pair of plumbers from a somewhat popular video game series known for its platforming, characters, and making 80's nostalgics, well, nostalgic. Since their conception in the 1980's, they are popular worldwide for reasons that are still being looked into.

A legend is born... edit

The original heroes of Italy were born in a cave between 1954 and 1963. They were forced to eat nuts and berries until they were 13 years old. They planned to move into the city. However, growing up in the blistering heat of the wild caused them to stumble down a pipe into Super Mario World. After falling 20 miles down the pipe they landed on top of Teenage Bowser. Bowser immediately got angry and ripped his pants. He has still not forgiven them.

Biography

Early Life

He originally appeared as a brand of cookies during the 1600s. Everyone enjoyed the cookies immensely, so the Super Mario Cookies were mass-marketed, and later Luigi cookies were made. After Mario and Luigi got very popular in the 1600s, Mario began appearing in forms of entertainment. Mario was frequently inserted into Renaissance works of literature and art, such as William Shakespeare's Mario & Juliet and the famous painting Mario Lisa.

Hiring By Nintendo

In the late 1900s, classical works became much less popular. While Mario was walking one day down the street, he met Shigeru Miyamoto who gave him a job at Nintendo so he could create videogames. He was soon a classic hit. However, problems started. The rival videogame characters Sonic and Pacman showed up on the scene and became famous, but nowhere near as famous as Mario.

The Videogame War And Its Aftermath

Then came the Videogame War where Mario Fans, Pacman Fans and Sonic Fans fought everywhere.

Marioshots — A wanted poster created after Mario escaped from prison.

Fatmario — **Mario** at the peak of his success.

Kids fought in school arguing who was better: Mario, Pacman or Sonic. Many got kicked out of schools for fighting. Not only did kids fight, but adults too. Therefore, many of them got fired. The Videogame War lasted for 30 years, until the creator of Sonic was thought to have died, and everyone forgot about Sonic, while Pacman's creator forgot about Pacman and instead got a girlfriend. Sonic games were then brought back when Sonic's creator was revealed to be alive.

While the Videogame War was on, videogame makers were afraid of making Mario games so instead, they created Luigi games. To this day, Mario videogames are now becoming less popular and they're instead making Mario foods, cookies, lollipops, and sodas. The production of these products stopped while Mario and Luigi were arrested.

In The Foreign Legion

After Mario and Luigi escaped from prison, they were abducted by one of Napoleon's flying saucers. They were then forced to serve in the Foreign Legion. While fighting in the Yoshi's Island Scandal, Mario was killed. However, he was revived by Napoleon. Mario then when back to working at Nintendo.

Meanwhile...

Meanwhile, New Mario became Mario's replacement. He was not a cookie, which was a plus. He loved to breakdance though, and was fired. Later, he was hired again as an old man after Cario (his replacement, a red buggy) was totalled, until he quit. He was replaced by Rapper Mario, until Rapper Mario died while fighting in the Foreign Legion. Smallio would take his place, until he became angry that people were stomping on him. As a result, he was fired. Killogramio would be his next replacement before his life ended when he stood on a thin ledge above lava and broke through it due to weighing 1000 Kilograms. Lario would proceed to take his place afterward, but retired after being received so well. Hitario was Lario's replacement, but was fired when Nintendo discovered that he looked nothing like Mario, but more like some other guy. After Hitario was fired, he was replaced by Dry Mario, a dry bones-like version of Mario. Dry Mario starred in a few shames, but then caused the death of several Nintendon't staff. As revenge, Dry Mario was executed. He was replaced by Mummio, a mummy version of Mario. Eventually, Mummio got his bandages caught. Since he had nothing underneath the bandages, Mummio fell apart and was technically dead. Mummio was then replaced by Wario however once Nintendo found out he was a member of the X-Men he was fired.

Mario's beloved dream.

Th Animated Mario Dance funny mario gifs-s155x160-56139-580 — Mario really knows how to dance!

Mario's Youtube Account

Trying to forget about Nintendo, Mario created his own YouTube account. Mario made bloopers of his own games, the messed up stunts that happened in his life, YouTube Poops (as annoying as Waluigi, but somewhat funny), and best of all,

Mario_has_a_Sparta_Remix — Mario has a Sparta Remix

One of Mario's best sparta remixes

fads. Mario loves fads more than anything else. Your shocked right? But, its true. From Red Zones, to Leek Spins, to Squidwards, Mario loves those videos that are done over and over again. His favorite fad of all was the Sparta Remix. Although some of Mario's Sparta Remixes insulted Tyrannosaurus Alan & George Volcano. When Nintendo heard that they had been made fun of, they were hacked and the hacker read every true thing about Nintendo, (and believe me, there's lots of secerts about Nintendo.) they tried to ban Mario's account (MushroomMarioMan). But after hearing that the account was the original Mario's, they were all in a coma for at least 2 months. Miyamoto was blamed for going on YouTube in the first place and he was sent to jail for 5 years to be replaced with Michael Jackson. Mario laughed at Nintendo about this.

His Involvment In The Katsu War

Mario was a human shield in the Katsu War, daving Bario, Deidara and the Soviet Luigis from Weegee and his German Weegees. He used a Force-A-Nature, one of his favourite weapons. He also created a replica of the Revival Machine to revive Bario.

Two Years Later...

C8m5jthWsAAtlch — When Mario needs to use the bathroom

Two years after the Katsu War, Mario was seen fighting Bowser, who he had defeated easily, indicating his new strength. Reflux the Knaaren informed George W. Bush about his partner's defeat, who called Mario "The bestest threat for the f00ture". Mario then went to Dr. Rabbit's palace and killed him, taking the base for himself. Mario has not been seen, until he recently left revealing he just needed to make a really big poop.

Meeting Chef Pepper Jack and Wolfgang

Mario randomly decided to rob some banks and eat all the money. Tony Abbott put a bounty on his head and bounty hunters/ doom raiders/ the idiotic chili guy and his equally idiotic werewolf friend/ skylanders villains Chef Pepper Jack and Wolfgang were set to collect. While Mario was busy robbing some random bank Chef Pepper Jack and Wolfgang came and attacked him. However, Mario easily defeated them and Chef Pepper Jack as a tasty snack, hinting that he likes chili. But, unbeknownst to Mario, Chef Pepper Jack and Wolfgang were only 2 of 11 doom raiders and the other Doom Raiders planned their revenge...

Tumblr nsa9odrG6J1ryrpc0o1 250 — Goomba Enemies

Enemies

Koopas

These sneaky turtles are spread all over the place in every Mario game. They come from a poor hood where nobody has heard of birth control. So there are thousands of them, and they are all thugs because they never got proper attention from their parents, who were busy snorting coke. Some walk the ground, while others have pimped out their shells to have wings. Others have had their feet modified to allow them to jump abnormally high, like Kenyans. But all of them share one thing - they hate Italians. And Mario is just about as Italian as they come, so they're always trying to taunt him with lewd gestures and bad language. Mario can take them out easily enough by jumping on them a couple times. Sometimes, for added humiliation, Mario will rip the shell off the dead body and use it to beat the crud out of others. This is a trick that Mario picked up from the hood, from his ring leader Luigi.

Tumblr nsa9odrG6J1ryrpc0o2 250 — Koopa Enemies

Spiny

These little cruds are thrown from the sky. They run around on the ground, trying to steal all your money to buy drugs. Their shells are usually fitted with metal spikes, and trying to jump on them like other enemies usually gets Mario a nasty bruise, or even killed. However, Mario can get the BFG upgrade and kill these enimies like it's his job. Or he can rip the shell off of one of the Aholes and beat them to death with it.

Pirahna

Tumblr nsa9odrG6J1ryrpc0o3 250 — Some enemies for the Mario franchise

These nasty little immigrants live in the sewers. They don't really bother anybody, but since Mario is on probation for selling drugs, it is his job to clean out the sewers from all the scum. The Pipe guys don't like this, and make every effort to bite Mario in the butt whenever he gets close to the pipes. Some of these ememies have bought automatic weapons from Crystal Meth addicts, and fire them at Mario when he is close to the sewer. Since these pipe alien guys have acid for blood, Mario cannot jump on them for risk of ruining his new kicks, so he must shoot them also with the BFG.

Goomba

They're really spaced out and just walk around all the time and get on everybody's nerves. They never look where they are going, and are always being run over by cars or even falling into holes in the ground. Being the careless morons that they are. Since they are too lazy to ever wear pants, they will transmit their nasty brocolli-head disease to you upon contact, and you will die.

Red Platforms

These are perhaps the most cleverly disguised enemy. Mario doesn't even know that they are out to kill him...until it's too late. They are magical creatures capable of flying and being stepped on. They will try to seduce Mario into stepping on them by flashing their tits at him and making promises of giving the reach-aroundwhen it's all over. Just when Mario is lured into the trap, they pull away and leave only an empty pit of death for Mario to fall into. Mario cannot kill these bastards because they are reinforced with red, and are the personal property of Mario's business partner (Bowser the Pimp).

C9AI54EXYAAMt0k — Mario in other history

Lakitu

Watch out! These fly around in the sky. They also enables them to ride on clouds. It is possible sometimes for Mario to climb up on top of cars and overhangs and jump on these bastards, but its very difficult and usually not worth the risk. Instead, Mario will usually just run like a motherfucker and dodge the shit that these Assholes throw down at him until he can reach safety.

DGVxZMPUAAAZp3p — Mario with no mustache

Bowser

This big ugly son of a boi used to be a trusted business partner of Mario. But one day Bowser realized that Mario had a pretty hot girlfriend named Peach, and he kidnapped her to be his personal slave. This made Mario really tight, and so he departed on a mission to kill Bowser and his lousy cheating girlfriend. He killed Bowser with a crowbar, and then found Peach in the next room. She thought she was being rescued, but then Mario jumped on her head and threw her into the lava

From the mario maker artbook — Mario as a turtle

Alternative History

Oliver Stone was rumored to be making a movie based upon what he believed to be the true history of the Mario Brothers, or as he called them, the "most shameless exhibitionists since Michael and Ron Jeremy." Stone then noted that Ron and Mario were surprisingly similar, and he noted the coincidence as "eerie". His history, however, is the following. A bunch of green dinosaurs named Yoshi (although, "apparently", some Yoshis were other colors) were all minding their own business when a diaper clad Mario fell from the sky, apparently victim of the abuse by the nefarious Kamek, a Magikoopa. The Yoshis all began sticking their tongues out and making cute whistling noises, wondering what the fuck to do. Suddenly, Mario climbed onto a Yoshi's back, believing the saddle that just happens to grow on Yoshis to be some sort of nip. Realizing the young Mario's yearning for tit, Yoshi bounded off with his friends to find this supposed magical thing that was beyond imagination.

BGm4ycxCUAEGOj8 — Coding Mario for a game

They soon learned from a local piranha plant (smacking his lips), that he had just had some delicious tit over at Bowser's place, as he was also a young lad in need of it. They reached the palace, and found Bowser with Princess Peach, a young voluptuous woman who Stone says is the father of Scarlett Johanssen. Yoshi helped Mario steal Princess Peach for himself, Bowser was pissed, and Mario spent the whole afternoon nourishing himself.

This history would repeatedly repeat itself, as Bowser would steal back the princess, usually by force, and attempt to ravish her in any way he pleased. Bowser would usually be in some elaborate realm of castles or horizontal worlds (he had hundreds of slave koopas), and Mario, sometimes with the aid of Yoshi and secret Princess-Peach-lover Luigi (his brother), among others like the stoner Toad. Many times stoner Toad reached the princess before Mario, somehow, and would promptly annoy Mario by repeating "Thank you Mario, but our princess is in Another Castle®" between hookah puffs. To this day no one ever knew where princess was... wait, does anyone really care anymore?

After this Stone becomes rather vague, and this is where critics really hammer him. Apparently at one point Mario and Bowser teamed up to save Princess Peach from some dude named Smithy. Mario and Bowser repeatedly deny this, and every time it is mentioned Mario starts super punching or hammering people, and Bowser spews fiery breath. Oliver Stone heartily recounts losing his hair to one of these spews.

Trivia

It is a known fact that Mario was created by Sino-Japenese guys. However, he is an Italian person.
Baby Yoshi is known to eat 2 Marios per day.
Mario's name is a pun on the term "Tario" which means to yell "OI!" when you are sinking in a tar pit.
Mario also once was friends with a cloud that thinks he was a frog and a big living doll.
Yoshi cookies were planned also for Mario cookies but were canceled but where an item in Super Mario RPG and the remix Shupa Malleo RPG
Mario is enemies with Sonic but no one knows why Mario let Sonic in Smash Bros.
Mario is also a doctor but since he stuffs over-sized pills in people even when they just feel very bad or have too many rashes, Peach had to put up a sign saying "Don't let Dr.Mario touch you, he's not a real doctor!" all over the Mushroom Kingdom and he got arrested for killing people when he was supposed to heal them.
Mario does not eat pizza pie because it isn't Italian.
Mario is friends with Schezo Wegey, a highly popular pervert and pervert king. Mario is SICK.
Mario can only fall asleep to the sound of flying airplane decapitations.
YOU ALL SUCK!
He is an actor for The Super Wario Bros. Wah-wah Show! (REMAKE).
Mario is responsible for the rape of Nanking

Mario Tag Stats

Strength: 3/5

Speed: 3.5/5

Jump: 4/5

Special ability: 3.3/5